Welcome back, friends.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. My anxiety has been super high and I’ve been drug through lots of crap that I have little to no control over. On the bright side, I started a new job last week! I love this place so far. It’s giving me stability and a sense of purpose again. I feel like I lost myself during these past 6 weeks. I have always been a dreamer. I want to say I’m a planner too, but sometimes I’m so unorganized I can’t keep my life together. The fire inside my soul has dwindled and I’ve forgotten how to re-ignite it. This is the first time in my life I have felt like this. I don’t really have a plan or a dream for the foreseeable future right now. It scares me…so much.
I don’t know how I let myself slip so far. I’ve been trusting God this entire journey, but it really sucks I have no control…because sometimes I have control issues.
I work 4:00pm-midnight in the country, and it’s about a 30 minute drive home late at night. One night as I drove home, I had the radio on but had zoned out to the music. I came back to when I heard “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.” And it dawned on me. That is how I’d been feeling. All my ground has been sinking sand…I’ve been trying to seek stability in my life again but I’m just running through quicksand.
I, on my own accord, cannot bring stability to my life. I can’t rekindle the fire in my soul on my own. I need the solid Rock. While I have never stopped believing and trusting Him, my desire to control got in the way and I forgot about the Rock I was on. While I feel like I am stuck in sinking sand right now, I know that won’t be forever. I need to cling to the Rock. Always cling to the Rock. He will put my pieces back together. I feel like I always come back to “His plans, not mine. His time, not mine.”
I don’t know why He led me into this season at the end of July. I don’t quite understand why He does anything in my life. But I’m so grateful for the journey. Earlier this spring, I felt like the Lord was calling me back to St. Louis for a period of time. Now, here I am. I’m back at my favorite church—the one I met Jesus in. I answered another call of His—to pour into the souls of young girls in the youth group that helped me develop my faith. I have only spent a couple of weeks with my 7th grade girls, but I love them so much. I actually sent them all text messages last night telling them all how much I enjoy being in group with them, and letting them know that I’m only a text away for anything at any time. One girl I texted had just visited for the first time, and she says she can’t wait to come back. She told me I’m one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Another girl told me that the text message made her day and she can’t wait to see me on Sunday.
While I don’t know the full reason of why He called me back to this area, but I can’t wait for Him to reveal more of it to me. Until then–I will cling to the Rock, hang out with some awesome (yet sometimes frustrating) teenage boys 40 hours a week, pour into the lives of 7th grade girls, and live this beautiful life that I’ve been given. The best is yet to come, folks.